Just a quick look back

This blog will show you how my days are going nowadays. As you may have already read on this site I was a healthy and sporty person, in the midst of life. I wanted to be a fit mother, so after my first pregnancy I lost 40 pounds, I started eating healthy and I worked out 4 to 5 times a week. Then the second pregnancy followed, I would have liked to exercise, but because of pelvic problems I was not able to.

Seven weeks after the birth of my son I got an attack on my equilibrium organ. Since I have had that attack, I have only been functioning at 20% of who I was. I get tired, often with headaches caused by the pressure I continue to feel in my head. Sounds are very loud, movements and light I often experience as annoying.

The morning

I am usually woken up by the children who cry out to dad that they are awake (they know by now that Mama has to stay in the bed as long as possible). After breakfast my daughter goes to school, always brought by her dad, so I save energy again to be able to pick her up in the afternoon.

My son goes to daycare twice a week so that I can really ‘take a break and catch some breath’ without incentives. On a good day I manage to get some groceries, usually it means that my daughter can not bring home a playdate. Which seems to be way more common in the Netherlands than abroad. She wants to arrange those playdates in the morning (like all the kids do) but I always have to say to her that I can only arrange those things in the afternoon. Because then I know if I’m able to handle that for that day.

The course of my day

Throughout the day I lie the biggest part on the couch, my body and head are tired of continuous correcting and processing of stimuli. I am so thankful with the technology of today, so I can still maintain some contact with the outside world. Because even though we live very nice, I feel so terribly trapped and away from the world. Where friends are busy with careers, my only job is getting through the day without having to much symptoms.

With the last strength of the day I cook dinner for my family (which I’m not alway succeeding in). After that I go to bed, even before the children go to bed. In a Dark room, without any sounds I’m able to process all the stimilu of the day. Then I go to sleep and I’m glad the day is over again.

Can you learn acceptance?

The process to accept that this is now the situation was not without a blow or bump (a Dutch saying). I wanted at times that my body listened to me instead of the other way around. But every time that only messed me up more.

Continuous weighing, what can I do and what not. Prioritizing, which sometimes means that I miss important moments of the children or family. By now I am a lot nicer to myself which saves a lot of energy instead of always fighting against myself. That doesn’t make it any less sad. I am a woman of 31 who lives like a zombie where basically everything is too much.

Hope

Fortunately, I occasionally have a ‘good’ day. Without those days I would have really lost hope. On such a day I manage to go on a visit, for example, or the birthday of a family member. Usually I have to pay back those days with again a few days absolute rest and extra ear whizzing. But those days you need to be able to continue. Like this treatment, which gives hope, and how cliché too.. Hope gives peace, really!

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